I never really imagined having a baby. I mean I imagined being married and having a family, but I never pictured a baby more like an instant family like you see in picture frames. For being so imaginative, I could never picture the whole story, just bits and pieces. I think this is because God loves surprises. He loves us and wants to give us joy in our lives. Experiencing life and not knowing exactly what the future holds is part of that joy.
Many of you know that I have been struggling with my anxiety lately and if you didn’t you can read more about it in my previous post, Getting Along and Overcoming. I’ve always been a “worrier” and stressing over things that were mostly out of my control, but I believe that my pregnancy hormones, homesickness and a combination of factors caused me to flounder a bit over the past month. Yesterday, I was having a “normal” (read-anxious, but functioning) day until I decided to take a nap. I had a terrible nightmare/dream and woke up sweating and freaking out. Then, something happened….I felt relaxed. I became aware of my surroundings, realized I was safe and okay and I felt better. I spent all night puzzling over the feeling because, to be honest, I haven’t felt relaxed in months. I thought I might be losing my mind ( I see now that was me still worrying haha) but I woke up today and realized that I feel happy and hopeful for the first time in a while. I’m not saying I feel 100% better and like my old, outgoing self but I don’t have that lump in my throat and knot in my stomach and I just know that God is telling me not to worry and to experience life.
And I am going to try the best I can. Richie and I have been blessed, beyond measure, that in just three months we will be meeting our own little princess. I still have a hard time imagining her, I wonder what she will look like and who she will take after (I hope and pray she has her Daddy’s mellow side). I’m scared, but in a good way finally. I feel like its scary because she will be so new and she will need us to take care of her, but I know that I’m going do my best to make sure she is happy and loved. That’s all that matters. No one should feel like they aren’t loved and I know the world is a tough place, but if all I have to give to her is the power of how much Richie and I (and God) loves her, then I know everything will be okay.
As I type this, she is kicking away like she knows that she’s going to be the center of our world. We have an appointment today at the hospital with the high risk OB/maternal fetal specialist to see if my cerebral palsy will need to be addressed in labor and delivery. I’m also going to discuss my options with her as far as anxiety and taking vitamins and other alternative healing methods. Hopefully, she will tell us that we can just be seen here at our regular practice. Wish us luck.
I hope one day if she ever forgets, Sophia can read these blogs and know how much love we have for her already.