Do you ever have a day where you just question your abilities? You are just going about your day and you think … I don’t know if I’m great at anything … hell I don’t even know if I’m good at anything. Well, that’s me today. I recently wrote a feature for the magazine I work for, it was ok. I wasn’t blown away but people seem to like it. I’m taking a Theory class for grad school and I just can’t seem to like it or master the concepts. It got me thinking … What am I good at? I don’t know. Maybe, it’s the rain that’s got me down. (Which is a really bad thing because rainy season is upon us in Okinawa-rain every day for the next month).
I am just searching for something (besides my wonderful husband) that brings me joy, like a hobby or a passion. Writing is supposed to be it … yet most days it feels a chore. Don’t get me wrong, when I get home from work and Richie sweeps me up into his arms, everything is perfect. I don’t care about the rain, or my lack of energy or even the apathy I feel towards Okinawa. None of it matters because he is with me and we are happy. But what about the other 12 hours of the day… or the
days weeks months he’s not around? I feel like I’m too focused on the next big thing … I need to find something that brings me joy in the present. And that’s where I doubt my abilities … I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I can’t find joy in my writing or that sense of adventure … people say I’m a great writer (and I truly appreciate these kind words) but why does it feel like I’m just another dreamer …
I just want that happiness and energy I feel around Richie to pour out to all the other parts of my life … but today I just feel worn out.