It finally happened that long-awaited breakdown. I just woke up today and I cried. I texted my friends from home and cried. I talked to Richie and I cried some more. I cried because I miss the comfort of knowing that people speak my language when I got out in town. I cried because I miss NC; Sissy, BFF, Mary Ashley, Allie, Christiane, and every one of my friends. I cried because I miss TAAKKA and how easy things were. I sit here and look at all of the pictures of last year and I think about how much I loved it. I miss my momma and my brother. (Japan is just really far away-like halfway across the world far). I miss my whole family and all my friends. Most of all, I cried because I miss seeing my husband when the sun is up.
(Begin Soapbox Rant)
In most cases, anyone would say that is completely understandable but for some reason that’s not ok for me….”You’re a Marine Wife, get used to it. This is how the military is. Just be glad he’s not gone for months”. It’s enough to make me want to scream. (I posted a status online as a vent; complaining about Richie coming home late. I should have known better than to post things if I didn’t want people’s opinions….). Let me say this loud and clear: Im so grateful that my husband gets to come home to me on a regular basis and that most nights he is sleeping beside me. I am blessed but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck any less when he goes into work at 4am and comes home at 10pm if he comes home at all. I. Still. Miss. Him.
Most days, I would just stick my chin up and say, “you’re right. I can do this!” but for some reason this morning, it just hurt. It hurt in that completely irrational way that makes you think no one really gives a damn about you (maybe they really don’t) or they just want you to shut the hell up and stop complaining. I get it but sometimes I just want to complain. sometimes I want to kick and scream and cry until my husband comes home. Haven’t you ever felt that way? Don’t you ever remember feeling like it just SUCKS?! ……….I guess not. I guess I’m the only one who needs to suck it up. Get used to it. But today….today I just couldn’t so I cried. I cried when my mom called, inconsolable, sobbing so hard you lose the ability to talk kind of cry. Then I stopped and I brushed myself off. I could stay mad, I could continue to rant and rave because people hurt my feelings but I won’t say another word.
The ability to stay strong all the time is not what makes a Marine Wife (or any military spouse). It is the ability to take an obstacle and embrace it, cry if you have to, scream, kick and fight but then you get up. You brush yourself off and you continue on with your life. It is the strength to let yourself fall apart, then (when all is said and done) put yourself back together that sets you apart from others. That strength makes you the perfect match for a Marine.
After my temper tantrum, when the water works finally stopped I was talking to my good friend Sarah (455 crew, holler!). She listened to me rant for a few minutes and lent a sympathetic ear. I finally ended my rant with, “I guess I’m still adjusting” and she then gave me this wonderful perspective that warmed my heart and definitely cheered me up today.
Seems like life as a military spouse is heartbreak and goodbyes and missing something or someone always. But I am so proud to be the wife of a US Marine. And, without the Marines and without Japan, there wouldn’t be a 455 crew and there wouldn’t be you and me. So sometimes, it’s worth it.
Thank you, Sarah. For the first time in 3 months I really feel like it’s going to be ok. <3.
In the end, it’s all worth it. All the tears, the goodbyes, the heartache make the joy that much better. Without the Marine Corps, who knows how long it would have taken Richie Turner to find me? Lucky for me, our best friends happened to help us meet a year ago and for that I couldn’t be more grateful. Without the Marine Corps, I may have never been blessed with the Whiskey girls or our wonderful 455 crew. It took moving to Japan for me to meet Sarah (and let’s be serious, my life is far better now that I have met her and we have Mongolian Barbeque 🙂 ) I may forget sometimes but fortunately for me I have great people to remind me that in the end, it’s all worth it.
(Picks up little soapbox and walks away)